Northern Downpour

Yesterday, I got to give a mod nudge to someone on a board I run about the use of the word "rape" in the context of winning a game. It was a pretty easy nudge, even though I know no one likes being moderated pretty much ever. I didn't hand out any warnings or bans, just a reminder that the board had a mixed, multi-age user pool and rape wasn't a neutral word for everyone, so we should avoid using it needlessly. The response was predictable. Someone went so far as to say that because certain women are so sensitive and easily scarred by the use of a simple word, their meek and helpless behavior invites rapists to target them. And of course, let's not forget, rape culture is an invented problem. The juxtaposition of those two arguments together literally made me laugh. It was just too absurd.

Later the same day, a friend of mine posted Gamasutra's article on the Male Gaze to her Facebox. I'll be upfront here - terms like "rape culture" and "male gaze" trigger an eyeroll reflex in me. Not because I don't think they're real things, they just have the sound of terms people use when they're being self-righteous crusaders (I have similar issues with "misandry" and "heteronormative"). So when other people want to be completely dismissive of the ideas wholesale, I sympathize a bit and try to explain the whole concept in words that don't necessarily evoke imaginary ideas of jackbooted feminists in overdefensive folks.

Yesterday, that went terribly wrong. A friend of the original poster began with the usual "well men are objectified too!" schtick, which is something else I think holds a little merit. But, unfortunately, people tend to use this argument as a way to prove objectification of women either isn't that bad, or isn't a problem. I argue with this fine gentleman that while objectification of men certainly does happen, it's not nearly on the scope or as damaging as what happens to women so pervasively. This is when the real stunner came - he started making arguments that he didn't see how people could connect the portrayal of women in the media (I kept trying to keep the argument to the context of gaming, since that's what the article was about, but he was pretty firm in ignoring that) to anything sexist or misogynist. He then started demanding I prove that such a phenomenon happens. He was, in essence, trying to make me prove sexism at all was a real thing with real contributing factors.

I knew exactly where this was going, but tried anyway. Naturally, everything I mentioned or pointed to was dismissed as opinion or speculation. I mean, of course we can't view with 100% accuracy into the minds of people and determine their motivations for sure, but I think after enough patterns of behavior, we can be confident. What the man effectively was asking me was on par with saying "Well you can't prove racism is real behavior." I mean, I was just not prepared to have to prove the sun rises and sets, either. Every study was "opinion" and every instance of a person being blatantly sexist was anecdotal or anomalous.

He went on to say that little boys and basement dwelling nerds engage in such behavior, but that just magically evaporates when said men and boys are exposed to the real world. This was, of course, after some lengthy assertions that he knew exactly what women wanted, what turns them on, and what appeals to them (after furiously attacking me for assumptions of motivation). It struck me from how this guy talked that he himself was probably never really rude or condescending towards women. I bet that his friends really aren't, even. But since he doesn't surround himself with horrible people, the idea that women are treated in this way is so outside his monkeysphere that it simply rings false or at least wildly exaggerated to him.

So, I guess that's just something I wanted to share for everyone's data point about this sort of behavior. We have people so fundamentally self-deluded through multiple angles that they can go so far as to state sexism isn't a thing. It's mind blowing, really, and I think until yesterday I really couldn't fathom how it might happen.